An Empty Glass
by tanglingshadows
Summary: Struggle. Push and pull. A deep ache for two things. Can he heal himself even after he thinks there's nothing to heal for? A story about what drives us, changes us, and how things go wrong for all the right reasons.
1. Chapter 1

Disclaimer: I own nothing. I'm just playing in SM's sandbox. This will be the only disclaimer on the story and applies to every chapter after.

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><p>1.<p>

"I was just calling to see how you were doing. You haven't stopped by or called in a few weeks." I heard her sigh. "Edward, I'm worried about you. Things have been so hard recently, and I want you to know that I'm here for you, sweetie." Another pause. Another sigh. "Call me back. Please."

The answering machine clicked when she hung up. I sat and stared at the machine for a long time then got up and deleted the message.

I would have to call her back eventually. I knew that.

Right now, though?

I just wanted to sit in my old recliner and let the silence surround me.

She was gone, and I was the one who forced her away. I didn't tell her to leave or say that I didn't want her anymore. I was just being me, and she couldn't take it anymore.

I couldn't blame her.

Picking up the bottle of whiskey that sat on the floor, I sighed and felt my chest constrict.

I loved her so much, but for some reason, I needed this more.

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><p>AN: Like the disclaimer above, this will be the only note on the story. Expect angst and problems. I'm not promising pretty, but I am hoping for it to be real. I'll update twice-a-day.<p>

Thank you to Jen328 for beta'ing and being an amazing help through writing this. Thanks to ladysharkey1 and jadsmama for pre-reading and, along with jessypt, for getting me back into the writing spirit with their writing challenges.


	2. Chapter 2

2.

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><p>I figured if I ignored the pounding on my door, it would just go away. For the last several days that had been the case.<p>

"Edward, I know you're in there. Open the door or I will kick it in." My friend's voice came through the room and echoed around my head.

I stood up and gingerly placed my latest drink on the coffee table. I looked at all the empty bottles that littered the table and shrugged. Two months ago, I would have look upon this scene with guilt, but now, I just didn't care.

I knew I was hitting rock bottom, but I couldn't bring myself to snap out of it.

As I made my way down the hallway to the door, I wondered if all the times I told her I was going to get help were just me trying to placate her. Putting off the evitable. Now that she was gone, I had no reason to even pretend I wanted to get better.

When I opened the door, I leaned against the jamb and looked at the people currently standing in the hallway outside my apartment.

My mom looked sick with worry. My dad looked stressed. Emmett and Rosalie looked resigned.

I guess they were well aware of my problem. She probably told them all about it after she left me. Maybe even wanted them to keep an eye on me.

I felt a surge of anger run through my veins.

_She _left _me._ She had no right to try and keep me together anymore.

With that thought, I cleared my throat and asked, "Did she send you here?" They all looked shocked at the hate in my voice. "Well, tell her to fuck off. She doesn't get to send you here to try and save me. She caused all of this."

Even as I said that last part, I knew it wasn't true.

Emmett ignored me and pushed past me into the apartment. My family followed him in, and I just leaned against the wall and watched.

My mother closed the door and grabbed my hand.

"Don't do this, sweetie. Don't blame her like that."

I yanked my hand back. "Whatever."

"You're going to die if you don't stop this, Edward."

I was mad and irrational and wanted her to hurt just like I did. I wanted everyone to hurt just like I hurt.

I looked directly into her eyes and said, "So nice of you to be concerned now, but I've been this way since I was eighteen and living in your house. So maybe I should be blaming you, too."

Her eyes welled with tears.

I felt like shit for saying it.

"I think we're all at fault in some way, Edward. We all need to accept our parts in this situation and try to get you better." My father stood at the end of the hallway, hands stuffed into the pockets of his slacks, shoulders hunched.

I scoffed and shook my head. The only reason I ever tried to get better was for her, but even she wasn't enough.

Now that she was gone?

I didn't stand a chance.


	3. Chapter 3

3.

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><p>"Would you be willing to accept treatment?"<p>

I toed the floor, looking at the half-filled bottle of scotch on the table. I really wanted a drink, but figured it wouldn't look very good in the middle of my intervention.

"Just to try for a week?" My mother added. Her voice was strained but hopeful. She was just trying to get me in the door of a rehab center for any amount of time then hope I'd stay.

I shrugged.

It was becoming my go-to answer during this little visit.

Emmett popped his knuckles and started bouncing his leg. I knew him, and those nervous habits were him on the verge of yelling at me or breaking something.

"We'll take care of your apartment, son. If you think it would help, we'll move you back into our house."

I shrugged again.

The silence stretched after that one. They wanted me to answer and tell them that I'd do it. I'd accept the help, I'd get better, I'd stop being such a sorry piece of shit - but I just couldn't. I didn't want their help.

"Do you want Bella back?" Emmett asked.

My eyes shot up, and I met his hard stare.

"If you think that she'll come back here someday, you need to get your shit together. She's a wreck because she thinks that she's pushed you over the deep end and that you're going to kill yourself or something."

"Maybe I will. I hope she feels guilty, too."

"You miserable asshole," Rosalie muttered.

I shot a glare in her direction. "What was that, Miss Perfect? Got something to say about the resident fuck-up?"

My dad shook his head. "Stop it. Both of you."

More silence.

"Let us help you, sweetie."

I finally said the words that none of them wanted to hear, but every one of them knew were the truth.

"I'm not sure if I want help."


	4. Chapter 4

4.

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><p>After they all left, I stared at the amber liquid I had spent the better part of the day nursing.<p>

What made it so powerful over me?

I honestly didn't realize how bad things were until I met her.

In high school, I'd get wasted at parties and stay the night with friends so my parents wouldn't know. Everyone was doing it, so I didn't think anything of it.

In college, there was always something to do. A club to visit. A frat party to make an appearance at. The beer that I'd drunk in high school turned to shots of liquor or mixed drinks.

It wasn't long before the Jack and Cokes became just Jack.

I wasn't one of those drunks who got into trouble, though. I never got into fights. I didn't sleep around a lot. I just liked the numbness that came with a good buzz.

Maybe that's why I never considered it a real problem.

I still went to work and paid my bills on time.

Then she stormed into my life, pissed about me stealing the parking spot she'd been waiting for, and over the course of the next two years, showed me just how much things weren't under control.

I shuddered and clenched my eyes closed as I remembered her face the first time I went on a bender. She'd found me slumped over the toilet in the bathroom, puking up everything that had been in my stomach.

She wasn't pissed that I'd missed her friend's birthday party because I told her that I'd eaten some bad Mexican food for lunch, and it must have been food poisoning. Her eyes were so trusting and sympathetic as she helped me up and into bed.

She didn't find out until three months ago that it wasn't food poisoning.

I swallowed hard, and the memory switched to her as she packed up her clothes. I remembered the way the recognition flashed across her face as she finally realized that those few times in the first year we were together I hadn't been sick or busy with work, I had actually been dealing with a hangover or just drinking myself into a stupor.

"_I'm so stupid."Her hand covered her mouth briefly before she placed it at her neck. She always did that when she was thinking. "I should have realized. I could have tried to do something sooner."_

"_You couldn't have helped me, Bella. I didn't want to be helped."_

"_And you do now?"_

_I paused. It was just a couple of seconds, but I saw the hurt in her eyes. Not for her though, for me. "I think so."_

"_This is something that you have to be all in for. If you don't want to win against this, then you won't."_

_I watched her toss her clothes carelessly into suitcase._

"_Why now?" My voice was strained. _

_She stopped and placed her hands on the side of the bed, slumping over slightly. _

"_I can't watch it anymore. I know that's selfish of me, but I just can't. I worry about you every time I leave here or you go out with Emmett. I know you say you'd never do anything to hurt me, never cheat or anything, but I've seen you do things that you don't remember all the time, Edward. I've tried so hard to push you to get help. I figured that you'd eventually go. I took your excuses about having a tough day or week, or you got into a fight with your parents. I was in denial. I love you so much, and I couldn't admit that I was enabling you. I wanted to think I was helping, but I wasn't. I'm not." She wiped away the tears that started to stream down her cheeks._

"_You help me so much, baby. I can't do this without you," I pleaded. _

_She shook her head. "You won't do it with me, either._

I stood up and grabbed the glass off the coffee table. Before I could register what I was doing, I launched it at the wall and watched it shatter into pieces.


	5. Chapter 5

5.

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><p>Two weeks passed in another hazy blur.<p>

I wasn't drinking as much, but I still managed to stay pretty numb.

Work had been piling up, so I had to keep a level head for some hours of the day until I whittled away at the pile on my desk.

In the hours between work and passing out, I actually thought about what my next steps would be.

I had two options.

I could go into rehab and then join AA.

I could keep up the way things were and either end up dying of alcohol poisoning in the short-term or liver failure when I got older.

I didn't like either one of them, though.

Even though I had told my parents I wasn't sure if I wanted help, I knew I didn't want to die. It wasn't about not wanting help. I didn't want to be like this forever.

Truthfully, I was scared.

I was terrified that I wouldn't be strong enough to quit.


	6. Chapter 6

6.

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><p>I wanted to call her.<p>

It had been six months since she left me, and I hadn't heard a word from her. It wasn't unexpected. She wanted a clean break. No communication.

I had a feeling she was still keeping tabs on me, though. My mom called each Sunday, asking how I was and if there was anything new in my life.

She was waiting for me to tell her I was seeking treatment or trying to get counseling.

At times, the idea didn't seem as terrifying as it once had. Then there were times when I was near the bottom of bottle and my fears surfaced, pulling me back under.

I leaned back in my chair and rubbed my eyes. The urge to pour a glass of whiskey was getting intense but so was my desire to call Bella.

A pain radiated in my chest as I thought her name. It was getting easier to think it but still hard to say.

My fingers were twitching as I held my phone.

I really wanted to call her.

I wondered if she wanted to call me just as badly.

With a sigh, I placed the phone on my desk and stood up. As much as I wanted to hear her voice, I knew that calling her now wouldn't do any good.

It was that moment, as I stared at the phone that I knew I was more afraid of losing Bella forever than I was of attempting treatment.

After several minutes of fighting the always-present desire to have a drink, I picked the phone back up and before I could change my mind, I clicked the number I knew by heart.

"Edward?"

"I want help, Dad."


	7. Chapter 7

7.

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><p>I decided on an in-patient facility about thirty minutes from my apartment. If I was going to make a legitimate attempt at kicking my dependency, I needed to be someplace I couldn't get alcohol. It seemed simple enough. Go in, get help, get better, get out.<p>

Everything seems easier when it's just a thought in your head.

People who want to lose weight say they can diet and get in shape whenever they want.

Smokers say they can quit any time.

Addicts are the same.

I figured I'd just stop drinking. Maybe I'd talk with a counselor and discuss strategies to avoid relapsing when I got out.

It never crossed my mind that it would be hard because I didn't understand the full extent to which I was addicted.

I didn't know how badly my body depended on the warm numbness that I constantly enjoyed until the day after arrived at the center and started to shake.

I was cold.

I was hot.

My muscles spasmed.

I couldn't keep anything down. Not that I was able to eat in the first place.

I wanted a drink.

I _begged_ for a drink.

Just one.

Just a sip.

If I could just take a sip, I would feel better.

Yeah, addicts think they can just quit.

That's bullshit.

If I hadn't been locked in a place like that, I would have stumbled my way to the nearest liquor store as soon as my hands started to tremble.

I wasn't strong at all.


	8. Chapter 8

8.

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><p>"So Edward, how are you feeling today?" Dr. Sanders asked, smiling kindly at me.<p>

I scratched my head. "All right, I guess. I don't feel like my stomach has turned inside out anymore."

"That's good. You're just a few days in, so you might expect to have some tremors or nausea still. It won't be much, but your body is still adjusting. It's normal."

"Yeah, I guess."

She picked up her pencil and wrote something in her little notebook. "What do you expect to get out of your time here?"

I shrugged. "I don't know. I want to get better. My family and friends worry about me."

She hummed in response and wrote something else down. "So you're doing this for your family and friends?"

"I guess so."

She closed her spiral and placed her pencil through the metal binding on the side. After a few seconds she leaned forward and spoke. "This is going to sound cliché, but you need to do this for yourself. If you're seeking treatment because of others then you haven't accepted that you are worth more than your addiction."

I didn't respond, and she took a few moments before standing and moving to a bookshelf in her office. She pulled out a purple spiral notebook and took a pencil from a holder on her desk.

"Take this, Edward. I want you to write down reasons why you want to do this. Reasons that are solely for you. While it's important to take your family into consideration, you need to have goals you want to accomplish after you've left here or even goals that can be reached while you're in treatment with us."

It was a few hours later when I finally opened the notebook and wrote down the first goal or wish for myself.

_I want to be dependable._


	9. Chapter 9

9.

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><p>"<em>My dad will be here around ten. I figure that I can keep him company while you finish up your work and then we can meet for dinner. What do you think?"<em>

_She sat on the edge of the bed, brushing her hair out. _

_We had been dating for about a year. It seemed so ridiculous that I was only meeting her father now, but we'd never had the same free time to visit. And the times that I _was_ able, I'd flake and make up an excuse. _

_It was nerve-wracking to meet the parents. I'd only done it once and that was before prom my senior year of high school. _

_Besides, her dad was a cop, and I had the distinct feeling that he would be able to tell something was off with me. _

"_Sounds good, baby. I'll try and get my work finished early." I kissed her softly before grabbing my cell phone off her night stand. "I love you. I call you when I finish."_

_I went home and worked. I drank a little while I finished writing an article about a local band. When I saw that it was only three, I poured another drink and turned on a baseball game. That glass turned to another and then another. _

_I worried about meeting Charlie Swan. _

_I figured I'd take the edge off. _

_It wasn't until I woke up to the darkness of my living room that I realized how badly I'd fucked up. _

_What was worse was that when I sat up, I saw her curled up in the recliner across from me. She was staring at me with such sad eyes. _

"_I should have known. How could you do this to me?"_

_Then she got up and left. _

Later, she'd tell me she was just waiting to make sure that I woke up. That she didn't know what to say or do. That she blamed herself for missing all the signs.

It wasn't her fault.

Now, I'm not sure if it was anyone's fault. By that time in my life, I didn't control my decisions at all. I left it all up to whichever whiskey was sitting on my desk.


	10. Chapter 10

10.

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><p>"Have you been writing?"<p>

"Yes."

"Anything you want to share?"

I opened up my notebook and saw the lists of things I had written over the last few weeks. Some things I wrote down repeatedly, others were new. "I want to be someone others can depend on. I want to be able to make a promise and keep it. I don't want to blame others for my choices anymore. I want to be able to tell her that I'm sorry and have her believe me."

Dr. Sanders stopped writing and tilted her head to the side a little. "Who's 'her'?"

I cleared my throat. "Her name is Bella. She, umm…" I sighed heavily "…she left me about seven months ago. We had been together a little over two years, but she didn't know the extent of my problem until after our first year together."

"That's actually fairly normal, Edward. You were good at hiding your addiction. Did you live together?"

I nodded. "After she found out about my drinking. Our relationship was never bad. I never yelled at her or was abusive. She loved me and I loved her. It just wasn't enough with all my baggage."

"Are you angry she left you?"

I thought for a moment. "Yeah, I was. Maybe I still am. It's easier to blame her for leaving and causing me to bottom out than to say it was my own fault and bound to happen eventually."

"That's true. I know it's only been a month since you were admitted, but how would you rate your progress so far?"

"I think I'm doing better. I can admit things that I wasn't able to before. I like being sober. I'm not hazy all the time, and I feel like I can do more. I'm worried about what will happen when I leave here."

Dr. Sanders nodded. "You know that you're progressing at a healthy pace. It's normal to have reservations about leaving, but you know that you're still going to go to counseling when you're out, you'll have a sponsor who will always be a call away."

"I know."

"Besides, you opted to stay on with us for another month. I think you'll see even more progress in these next few weeks and when the time comes to make a decision, we'll revaluate where you're at and what you're comfortable with. We're not going to kick you out if you don't feel you're ready." She smiled reassuringly and closed her notebook.

"We're going to push you're appointment from two days from now to four. In that time, I'd like you to write a letter to someone that you feel you've wronged over the course of your addiction. It doesn't have to be a family member or loved one if you feel that you aren't ready for that yet. These letters can be very emotional, so take some time to think today and try to start it tomorrow."

"Okay. I'll try."

Later that night, I sat at my desk and stared at the blank sheet of paper.

There was only one letter I wanted to write.

I just didn't know how to begin because "I'm sorry" wasn't enough.


	11. Chapter 11

11.

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><p>I didn't write any letters the first week I was given the assignment.<p>

When I sat down to write, I realized there were only five people I really owed letters to. It was shocking and saddening to understand that I only had five people in the world that were affected by my actions.

It was a sobering though— I didn't really have any friends.

I was friendly enough with the people at work, and sometimes we'd go out for drinks after a work-related event, but I didn't consider them friends, and they didn't know I had a problem.

A week after Dr. Sanders told me to write the letters, I decided to write my mother. She deserved an apology for how I'd treated her over the last few months.

The letter was three pages long.

When I started writing it, the words just poured out, and I found myself making amends for things I had done long ago; the way I'd acted in school, how I'd treated her when she acted out of concern for my well-being, the words I had said when she came to help me just a few months earlier.

I thanked her for every message she left on my answering machine.

Over the next two weeks, I wrote the next three letters. One for my dad. One for Emmett and one for Rosalie.

Each letter was about three pages long.

There were apologies and thanks.

I tried to build up my strength to write the fifth and final letter. Dr. Sanders encouraged me to at least put some thoughts down on paper, even if I didn't start to the final version of it.

After that session, I opted to stay on for a final month at the facility. I knew until I wrote that letter, I wasn't strong enough to leave.

All it took was one look at the calendar, and the realization of the milestone I'd reached was enough to finally make me sit down and write to her.


	12. Chapter 12

12.

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><p><em>Bella, <em>

_I don't really know how to start this letter to you. All the things I'm supposed to say don't seem like enough, but I feel them so strongly that I can't not say them. _

_I hope you're well and happy. I miss you so much and I love you. _

_Most importantly, I'm so sorry, Bella. _

_I'm sorry I couldn't stop on my own. I'm sorry I put you through months and years of worrying about me. There are so many things I want to apologize to you for, but I don't want to spend pages laying out everything I've done wrong. You know, I'm sure, more instances than I remember of me failing you, and for that, I'm sorry, too. _

_You were right when you left. _

_I had done nothing to deserve your trust, and you deserve so much more than the man I was. _

_I'm getting help now. _

_I've been sober for three months and even though I didn't do it immediately after you left, I want you to know that you helped me get here. _

_Thank you for that. _

_Thank you for all the nights you took care of me. Thank you for cleaning up my messes so many times. _

_Most importantly, thank you for believing that I could be better. _

_You have no idea how much you have helped me because I remember how much you believed in me and thought I could be so much more than I was. _

_I'm starting to believe in me, too._

_All my love, _

_Edward_

As I sealed the letter in an envelope, I took a cleansing breath. I didn't know if I'd send it or not, but writing it had been cathartic.

I felt how slim the letter and the envelope were and realized I'd barely written a page.

When I started her letter, I figured it would have been longer. I stared at the finished product, ready to be sent, and closed my eyes.

How do you tell someone they saved your life?


	13. Chapter 13

13.

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><p>"Have you written to Bella yet?" Dr. Sanders asked as I settled into the leather chair across from her desk.<p>

I nodded. "I did." I was proud of my accomplishment, but there was a weight on my chest after writing the letter. It felt too close to letting her go.

"Do you want to share what you wrote with me?"

I looked down at my hands and shook my head. "I think I just want to keep it to myself."

"That's fine, Edward. Do you plan to send her the letter? Do you plan to send any of them?"

"I think I'll send them to my family and friends, but I'm not sure if I should send Bella's." When she realized I wasn't going to say anything further, she asked me to explain. "Ummm, I don't want to stir up things for her with a letter from me. If she's moved on and is happy, I don't want to bring her down by reminding her of me." I paused for several seconds, considering my next words. "I'm thinking about moving away from the city. Bella and I frequented a lot of the same places, and I was thinking it would be easier if I didn't show up unexpectedly."

Dr. Sanders shook her head. "Edward, you shouldn't move if those are your reasons. You and Bella are adults. I'm sure she wouldn't expect you to leave the city just because you two aren't together anymore."

I didn't really know if I should tell her the truth, but figured since she was my therapist, I might as well.

"This is going to be so contradictory, but I want her to be happy. I really do, but I don't want to see her move on with someone else. I still love her, and I would give anything for another shot with her, but I'm afraid that I'll take too long.

"I'm twenty-eight. Bella's twenty-seven. She wanted kids before she was thirty. I know that I can't commit to that right now. I know that my recovery is a never-ending process, and I don't want to bring a child into this world until I'm pretty settled in to my sobriety.

"So, I can't be with her because I won't have her put her dreams on hold because of me."

The silence stretched into minutes as neither us spoke.

Finally, the timer dinged, signally our time was up.

As I stood up, Dr. Sanders spoke again, "Edward?"

"Yes?"

"Don't you think that Bella is the one who needs to decide if she'd want to resume a relationship with you? If you remove her from the situation entirely, you'll never know how she feels. I think you really need to consider that before you make a decision.

"You now we don't encourage romantic relationships so soon after you've become sober simply because we want you to focus on yourself. However, I think you should consider your friendship with Bella and whether or not it would be beneficial to your recovery.

"This is your last week with us. Think about how you want to start your time outside of the facility. What will be best for you? Will it be a life outside the city? If you find that the answer is 'yes,' then I suggest looking into your options, but make sure that the decision is based off how you feel, not what you see as a noble gesture toward someone else, all right?"

Her words caused me to pause.

If I ended up leaving for Bella, it would be the first noble thing I'd ever done.


	14. Chapter 14

14.

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><p>Two weeks later, I found myself in my old apartment, packing up my belongings and furniture. Emmett was helping me haul stuff downstairs and into a UHAUL.<p>

I wasn't leaving the city.

I was leaving the neighborhood, though.

It took a day to remove my things, and as I locked the door to my apartment for the last time, I finally decided to take the next step in my healing process.

Without really thinking, I caught up with Emmett and handed him the envelope I'd been keeping in my coat pocket. He wrote down the address that I needed, and I was surprised to see that she'd moved back to her old apartment just a few blocks over.

I turned away from him and started walking down the sidewalk. The post office sat on the corner of the next intersection, each step toward it taking more and more courage.

Fifteen minutes later, with a shaking hand, I dropped her letter into the box and walked out.

I didn't write my new address on the envelope. I knew I was being cowardly; that way, I'd never know if she wanted to write me back or not.

Explaining it to everyone in my life, I'd made it seem like I was protecting Bella from me, but truthfully, I was protecting myself from the rejection that would inevitably come with trying to connect with her again.


	15. Chapter 15

15.

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><p>Life outside the facility was hard.<p>

I didn't want to start drinking again, but just knowing that I _could_ made things stressful.

I purposefully avoided _that_ street a block away from my new apartment because there was a liquor store. I avoided the alcohol section in the grocery store. I avoided bars and all work-related functions in general.

Three months out of rehab, I was an expert at avoiding alcohol.

I knew the real test would come when it was right in front of me and I could suppress the urge to drink.

My mom said I doubted myself too much - and maybe I did, but I was at the point in my recovery where I'd rather not risk the temptation.

My sponsor, Garrett, told me to go at my own pace. If I doubted my ability to say no, then I should wait a little while longer before putting myself in those situations. The therapist that I started seeing, Dr. Whitlock, agreed with that, too.

I agreed with both of them.

That was how I found myself sitting in my living room, reading some background information on a band I'd be writing an article on.

Some coffee sat on the coffee table that used to hold tumblers of liquor.

I read and made notes in the margins.

It all seemed normal and pleasant, like I had finally conquered something within myself.

I took a long sip of my drink and smiled.

I could do this.


	16. Chapter 16

16.

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><p>One year.<p>

That was long it had been since Bella had walked out of my life.

It had been hard, and it had taken me awhile to understand why she left; not to hurt me, but to try and help me. She left because deep down she knew that if she stayed, I would never change, and she wanted more than that – for both of us.

I hadn't talked to her though, so those were my own conclusions

The letter I had mailed three months ago remained unanswered, but I'd guessed it would. I hadn't left a return address, and I had the sinking feeling that she was no longer in contact with Emmett and Rosalie.

I wanted to believe that I would get to see her again when I was ready, but it was starting to become clear that things might really be over. Maybe it had just taken me longer to come to that conclusion because of how I'd spent the first five months after her exit.

My mind was such a weird place to be on days when I thought of her.

In some ways, I was happy that she seemed to have moved on because she deserved to be happy. But in other ways, I was sad to think that she didn't want to keep in touch or to know how I was doing.

I couldn't make up my mind.

So, I continued on.

I worked. I visited my parents. I went to dinner with Rose and Emmett.

I thought about Bella and hoped that wherever she was, she was happy.


	17. Chapter 17

17.

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><p>"We were thinking maybe you'd like to come with us this year?" my mother asked as she cut a slice of pie for my father. Every Thanksgiving was spent at my grandparents cabin, a few hours north of the city.<p>

"I'm not sure." I pushed around the half-eaten dessert on my plate. "I think I'd just rather stay at home."

She sighed. "Edward, I don't want you to be by yourself on Thanksgiving this year."

"I really prefer it. I'll work on my writing and just stay in."

Mom didn't say anything else about it, but my dad asked me again before I left.

"Dad, I really need to do this. You don't have to worry about me. I'm not going to get depressed about being alone during the holidays. If I feel like I need to talk to someone, I'll call Garrett. I promise."

He nodded and pulled me in for a hug.

"We're so proud of you, son. You're doing amazing."

I gave him a half smile and started for my car.

When I was home later that night, I let his words fill my heart.

It had been a very long time since anyone had said they were proud of me.

I looked at my desk calendar and felt that pride in myself, too.

I had been sober for six months.


	18. Chapter 18

18.

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><p>By the time Christmas rolled around, I had decided to take the next step in reclaiming my life.<p>

Freelancing had always been what I liked to do, but it wasn't the best way to make money. Jobs would flood in at times and then would seemingly disappear for a couple of months.

Since a new year was beginning, I decided on a new beginning for my career, as well. Specifically, I had wanted to find a job that took me out of the house. The company I worked freelance for wasn't looking for anyone full-time in their office, so for the first time in five years, I went job hunting.

After the second week of looking, I found what I imagined would be the perfect job. It wasn't writing, which I was used to, but editing for a small publishing house.

And when they offered me the job a few days after my interview, I readily accepted.

I could work from home when I wanted to, but I had my own little office, and stacks of manuscripts to work through, in our small building off Sixth Street, two blocks from my apartment.

It wasn't glamorous, and I wasn't pulling in tons of money, but it fit me.

Steadily, I was making my way back to the top. It was taking a little longer than I wanted, but I was getting there.


	19. Chapter 19

19.

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><p>The job started out well enough.<p>

I was able to complete my editing projects on time. Even though I was forced to pull a couple of late nights while I tried to create a schedule for myself.

The people I worked with were nice. They were always going out together after work, though.

After three weeks of declining, I started to feel some pressure to meet the group after work. No one actually said anything that made me feel bullied into going, yet my stomach twisted when they started to pass by my office without asking. And then it occurred to me – I was becoming an afterthought.

Sure, it would have been very easy just to explain that I was a recovering alcoholic, and that I didn't want to put myself in that situation. But by saying that, I'd be outing myself, and I didn't want to be treated with kid gloves from then on.

For some reason, my feelings about being left out began to outweigh my fear of relapse.

I wanted to fit in. I wanted to be asked to hang out.

I should have called Garrett. I should have called Dr. Whitlock.

Hell, I should have talked to my dad.

I didn't, though. Instead, I gave in and accepted the offer to meet everyone at a bar right down the street from our office.


	20. Chapter 20

20.

* * *

><p>I spent the walk to the bar talking myself up.<p>

I could do this. I'd just order a soda and sit and talk.

After about thirty minutes, I'd leave and wish everyone a wonderful weekend.

Like rehab, though, things aren't always as simple as you imagined they could be.

I entered the bar and immediately felt tense.

The familiar smell of alcohol, the dim lights, the crowded tables – they all represented something I'd told myself I didn't want any more, something I didn't need.

I'd spent the last eight months sober. I loved how my days were.

My heart started to race and my mouth watered.

I'd made so much progress.

I could handle this.

It wasn't a big deal.

Then a little voice in my head whispered, "Just one won't hurt."


	21. Chapter 21

21.

* * *

><p>The light streaming through the window made my head ache.<p>

I closed my eyes and just lay there in the silence.

I was weak

I had failed.

Eight months of sobriety and what did I have to show for it?

Nothing.

The tears slid from the corners of my eyes as I tried to swallow around the lump in my throat.

I needed help.

When I calmed down, I picked up my phone and scrolled until I found Garrett's number.

"Hey Edward!" His voice always maintained a constant level of enthusiasm. I choked out a sob. "Oh, man. Are you all right?" The concern in his words made me lose my composure, and I started crying in earnest.

"I fucked up. I went someplace I shouldn't have, and I thought I could just have one drink."

I couldn't finish the rest, and luckily for me, Garrett understood that.

"I'm on my way over. Just sit tight." I heard a door shut. "You can get through this, Edward. Don't think you can't fix this."

I took a few deep breaths and said goodbye.

After forcing myself out of the bedroom, I went to the bathroom and stood in front of the mirror.

As I stood there, I had an epiphany of sorts.

I had spent the last few years blaming others for my addiction.

My parents didn't pay enough attention to me.

Everyone else was doing it.

Bella left me.

My coworkers pressured me into going out with them.

Now, as I met the bloodshot eyes of my reflection, I realized I was looking at the person who'd caused it all.


	22. Chapter 22

22.

* * *

><p>"Edward, have you told your family yet about your setback?"<p>

Dr. Whitlock insisted we not call it a 'relapse' because that insinuated I'd have to start all the way at the beginning again, and in my mind, it made my accomplishments seem inconsequential. He said that 'setback' implied I was still moving forward but needed to spend a little more time at this specific point in my sobriety.

I thought he was full of shit.

"Not yet."

He shook his head. "Edward, you need to tell them. This isn't something to view as an embarrassment. Lots of people have these incidents. You need your family's support."

I shrugged, and soon the session was over.

Instead of going back to my apartment, though, I went to my parents' house. I didn't want them to know, but it had been two weeks since I'd called Garrett. I'd basically avoided everyone since then.

When I arrived, my mom welcomed me inside with open arms. It made me feel like a failure, but for once, I didn't want her to feel guilty for my actions.

"Is Dad home?"

She nodded toward the kitchen. "We were trying to make this Thai dish. It's touch-and-go right now."

We walked in as my dad was pouring some noodles into a pot of boiling water.

"Hey," he muttered and started to stir.

You would have thought he was conducting a chemistry experiment from the look of concentration on his face.

It was all so terribly ordinary that, for a moment, I wanted to cry. I desperately wanted ordinary in my life.

"I need to speak to you both about something." Instantly, their eyes were on mine. "A couple of weeks ago, I went out with some co-workers after work. I thought I could handle being in that type of situation, but I was wrong."

My mom looked pained, and my dad gave me sad smile.

"I had Garrett come over the next morning, and we talked for a long time. I've been seeing Dr. Whitlock twice a week since then, and he thinks that I will be all right." My shoulders were tense as I waited for their disappointment and anger to rain down on me.

They were silent for a moment then they both hugged me. In their embrace, I relaxed, but the overwhelming since of failure was still there.

"It's going to be hard, but you can do this."

I sighed. "I hope so."


	23. Chapter 23

23.

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><p>The next two weeks were tough.<p>

The relapse – or setback, as Dr. Whitlock kept calling it – had made me realize some things. Some of them I had finally understood the morning I woke up with my first hangover in months.

I needed to own my mistakes.

I remembered vaguely telling my family that I hoped Bella felt guilty if I died because it would be her fault. It caused my chest to ache, and for the first time since she left, I was glad I didn't have contact with her. If I had said that to her face, I wouldn't have been able to forgive myself.

I remembered telling my mother that she had no right to be concerned for me when they barged into my apartment. I immediately called her and apologized. Very tearfully.

Of course, Dr. Whitlock made sure that I didn't allow myself to sink into a "spiral of self-hate".

I was beginning to despise how he explained things, but had to admit that he was right a lot of the time.

A month after my setback, I was feeling better. Stronger, in a way.

_I_ controlled my actions. There was no one to blame but myself when I messed up.

The next time a co-worker came by my office to invite me out for drinks, I politely declined.

When he walked away, I realized that the pressure that I had imagined the weeks before wasn't them. It was me.

I had wanted to have a drink, and I used them as my reason for doing it.

That mistake would not be made again.


	24. Chapter 24

24.

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><p>When February arrived, Rosalie started dropping not-so-subtle hints that maybe it was time for me to start dating again.<p>

I didn't want to date anyone. I wanted to stay on the new plan I'd established after my setback, and then, when I worked up enough courage and was stable enough, I wanted to look up Bella and ask her out for coffee.

There was so much between us that I needed to fix if I was ever going to be able to restart that relationship, or receive the closure I needed if Bella didn't want to pursue an 'us' again.

It seemed as though my luck had run out when it came to avoiding Rosalie three days before the fourteenth.

"You're holding out for something that might not even happen, Edward. What's the problem with going out on one date, just to see if it's something you can handle? Besides, I know several really nice women who will be alone on Valentine's Day and need a date."

"No."

"C'mon! It's just dinner." She pouted dramatically.

I pointed at Emmett. "That only works on him, Rose. I have no interest in going out with anyone you know. I'm sure they're all really nice, but I'll pass."

An hour later, as they both left my apartment, I could see the wheels still spinning in Rosalie's mind. It was the look she gave me as she walked out the door that made me pack up my laptop and my next editing project three days later and go to the coffee shop next door to my old apartment.

I'm not really sure why I chose to go back to that neighborhood. I knew I didn't want to be near my apartment in case Rosalie brought a date over unexpectedly and tried to force me to go to dinner with her, but I think I was hoping that being in that familiar place would help settle my soul, in a way.

A lot of the good times in my life happened in that neighborhood, and being in that place made me believe things could be good again.

For a couple of hours I worked on editing a novel about time travel while enjoying slow sips of a mocha latte. Normally, I would have gotten plain coffee, but I was feeling festive and figured chocolate was the way to go on Valentine's Day.

I was striking out a phrase in the document when a shadow fell upon my table. I looked up, straightening my glasses.

And all the air left my lungs.

She gave me a tentative smile, biting her lip nervously.

My eyes started to tear up, and I looked down at the table.

"Hi," she whispered.

"Hey." I steeled myself for how it might end and then locked eyes with her. Neither of us said anything for several moments even though knew I couldn't pass up the opportunity to speak to her again. Finally, I was able to form words. "Would you like to sit with me, Bella?"

She closed her eyes. When she opened them back up, they were teary, too. "I would love that."


	25. Chapter 25

25.

* * *

><p>"I got your letter. I really wanted to answer you, but I didn't know your address." She played with the rim of her cup.<p>

"I was afraid. I didn't want to put it on there and then never get a response."

Bella nodded. "I guess I didn't really give you a reason to trust me, huh?" She didn't wait for me to talk, but plowed ahead instead. "I tried to email you, too. About two months after I left, but it kept getting sent back to me. Then I tried to call, and your number was out of service." She cleared her throat and wiped away a tear that had slid down her cheek. "You must hate me for what I did. I abandoned you."

I couldn't speak.

She had tried to communicate with me. She wanted to reach out to me. All the notions I'd had of her just casting me aside were shattered, and my chest ached worse than before.

"I don't remember closing my email or phone." I couldn't look at her. "I had a rough time right after. Well, probably the first six months after you…" I trailed off, not wanting to cause her more guilt. "I know that I got a new phone, but it was just because Emmett brought it to me. I mean, he left it outside my apartment because I wouldn't let him in."

I watched as she fidgeted with her cup and nodded.

The silence lasted a few more moments before she asked, "Where did you move to?" Her hand went up to her neck immediately. "I'm sorry; you don't have to tell me that."

In all the times I had anticipated this reunion, I never thought it would be so awkward and tense. I had always imagined that I would see her and we would hug and kiss. We'd apologize to each other and live happily ever after.

Reality was much more complicated than that, though. That was one thing I'd learned repeatedly over the last year.

We were quiet, avoiding each other's eyes, trying to seem very interested in our drinks. I couldn't help but notice that she was still just as gorgeous as before. Her hair was shorter, and she looked thinner, but I was still captivated by her.

I was jolted out of my thoughts as she spoke.

"I should probably go." Bella stood. "I have no right to say this to you after how I left things, but I miss you." Her smile was sad, and I could see her letting go – giving up hope right in front of my eyes. "I'm so happy you're doing well."

I hadn't spoken in several minutes but seeing her turn for the door forced me to snap out of my daze.

"Bella?"

She turned abruptly. Her eyes were hesitant. "Yeah?"

"Can I email you?"

She let out a shuddering breath. "Of course. It's still the same address."

I nodded, tore off the edge of the manuscript I'd been working on and quickly wrote down mine. "Here…" I held it out to her "…so you know it's me."

It was a lame excuse, but her answering smile was well worth it.

"Thanks, Edward."

Against every instinct I had, I didn't stop her this time when she started for the door.


	26. Chapter 26

26.

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><p>The conversation with Bella had been the dose of reality I needed when it came to the final goal I had set for myself.<p>

I wanted to resume a relationship with Bella.

It was what had initially forced me to rehab, and what had kept me going through some difficult times.

Now, I stared at the blank email that had been open for the last hour and didn't know where to begin.

The unexpected meeting had been tense and confusing. It finally hit me that we weren't the same people we had been before. We were going to have to move past so much in order to start over. This wasn't something we just could push under the rug and pretend never happened.

I loved her and knew I always would, but I also had to prepare myself for the possibility that the people we had become just weren't compatible anymore.

I scrubbed my hand over my face and exhaled loudly.

No matter what the outcome, I still wanted to try.

With that in mind, I typed the first thoughts that occurred to me.

_Bella, _

_Hi. I know this will seem strange, but I feel like I need to reintroduce myself to you. I'm not the man you remember. Well, some parts are the same, but so much has changed since we last saw each other._

It took me all afternoon. Lots of starting and stopping. Erasing and adding.

In the end, though, I told her everything.


	27. Chapter 27

27.

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><p>Two days had passed since I sent her the email.<p>

I paced a lot, filled with insecurity.

Finally, I saw her name pop up in my inbox.

I paced even more. It took me several minutes to work up the courage to open the message, and I wondered if Bella had felt this way when she saw my name among her other emails. I clicked open the message before I could change my mind, and then it took me at least five more minutes before I could make myself read the text.

_Edward, _

_I don't think it's strange at all. Actually, I think you're completely right. _

_I've wanted to reach out to you for so long. I know I really didn't have any right to, though. I know you say that my walking away helped you get help, and that I was right, but I can't bring myself to see it that way. _

_I left you at your weakest, and that will always be a regret of mine. _

I stopped reading because a part of me I thought I'd gotten rid of after the setback reared up. In a way, I was glad she thought she'd been wrong. I wanted her to admit that she'd been wrong—even if she hadn't been. I need that regret because I had hurt so badly when she did it.

It was immature… and a reaction I had fostered for several months.

However, I knew I'd have to get past it if I wanted this to work. She couldn't always walk on eggshells around me because of what had happened. She couldn't keep trying to make amends. That was no way to start or maintain a relationship.

I knew I couldn't think like that anymore. In fact, I'd told myself that over a month ago when I was waiting for Garrett to show up at my apartment.

To help get my thoughts I order, I opened up my recently-purchased notebook and wrote down some things before reading more of her letter.

When I saw Dr. Whitlock again, I'd need to make sure I brought up all of this with him.

I put down my notebook and started reading again.

My afternoon was spent in front of my laptop, reading sections of her message and then writing in my notebook. By the time I had finished, I was emotionally drained. The raw feeling that accompanied our break-up came from reading her letter, too.

I knew then why it had taken Bella a couple of days to respond.

* * *

><p>I know I said there would be no more ANs, but I feel the need to thank you all for reading and reviewing. I try to get to reviews, but between two updates a day and my two girls, I fall behind...a lot. So thank you! I'm glad that you love the story and that you feel like it's realistic. I desperately hope you like how things grow between these two!<p> 


	28. Chapter 28

28.

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><p>"Tell me about your correspondence with Bella." Dr. Whitlock shifted in his office chair, kicking his feet up on his desk and placing his notebook on his thighs.<p>

At my first appointment with him, he took the same position after he introduced himself. I wasn't sure how we would work at first because of his laid-back demeanor, but I quickly came to understand that just because he appeared bored didn't mean he was.

"It's been very stressful."

"Have you had any desire to drink?"

"Not really. I've thought about what would happen if I drank again, especially since Bella is back in the picture. I don't want to mess things up with our reconciliation."

"Have you had a chance to tell her about your setback and how you're resetting your foundation right now?"

I rolled my eyes. "Not yet. I figured we needed to talk about how things ended before I unloaded that on her, too."

He shook his head a little and shrugged a little. "Bella knows you're human and you make mistakes. She's not going to hold it against you. It might show her that you're really invested in yourself and your sobriety – even though you had a setback, you're continuing treatment and moving forward."

"I just want to get to know her again. Right now, we aren't even thinking about a relationship beyond friendship."

"Friendship is very important for your sobriety. You need people you can lean on for support."

I knew that. I really did.

The emails Bella and I had been sending back and forth had been cathartic. She explained her feelings about leaving, and I told her what I felt after she left, too. There was a lot of hurt on both parts, but we'd talked through it.

I had a feeling that while writing it down had been good, we'd eventually have to talk about it face-to-face.

"I'll tell her. I've actually been thinking of asking her to meet me for coffee so we could talk in person. I think I might tell her then."

Dr. Whitlock nodded. "You've managed to restart a friendship with her through messages, and now it's time to move on to real conversation.

I wish I had as much faith in myself as Dr. Whitlock had in me because talking to Bella made me nervous. With an email, I had the ability to change my words and make them perfect before sending it.

Actually talking to her came with the possibility that I'd say something stupid at best or at worst, I'd end up saying not much at all.


	29. Chapter 29

29.

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><p><em>Bella, <em>

_I've really liked talking, well writing, to you these last few weeks. I think we've covered so much, but I have this feeling that we need to do this in person, too. _

_I want to see you when I talk to you. _

_I've missed you._

_Do you think we could meet for coffee? Maybe at the same café we always went to? We can get something to drink, have a cupcake, and talk. _

_I'll be free anytime you'd like to go._

_-E_

* * *

><p><em>Edward, <em>

_I have to admit, I'm kind of nervous about talking to you face-to-face. I know it will bring up all sorts of feelings, and I'm almost certain that I'll make a fool of myself._

_Still, I'd never pass up the opportunity for coffee and a cupcake._

_Or the chance to talk to you. _

_How about Saturday afternoon? Is 2 all right?_

_-Bella_

* * *

><p><em>Bella, <em>

_That's more than fine. _

_I'll be there waiting. You can't miss me. I'll be wearing the old-man glasses, complaining about the price of the coffee I just purchased._

_-E_

I took a deep, shuddering breath.

I had two days to come up with what I was going to say to Bella, and I knew it wouldn't even matter because as soon as I saw her, I'd forget everything I'd practiced.


	30. Chapter 30

30.

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><p>"A regular coffee, please." I pulled out my wallet, waiting for the outrageous amount to pop up on the register.<p>

"That will be $1.45, sir." My head snapped up and stared blankly at the barista. "Today we're running a sale on all our non-specialty drinks."

"Huh." I pulled out the money and handed it to her. The day already wasn't going as planned.

After I got my drink, I found a table near the back. It offered privacy, something I knew we'd need over the next couple of hours.

Bella arrived a few minutes after I sat down. I watched as she ordered her drink, after which see spotted me and gave a small wave.

My heart started pounding and I felt tingly all over. Had I not known that I was extremely nervous, I would have thought I was having a heart attack. I debated whether or not to stand up and hug her, but decided against it.

"Hey." Her voice was soft and tentative. "I'm so glad you asked to do this. I've been really hoping to see you again." She took a seat across from me. "So, how are you?"

I shook my head and as a sharp breath escaped me. It shouldn't be this easy. She shouldn't just be able to sit there and act like nothing had happened. How was this so easy for her? I couldn't think, and she was acting like we were still friends.

But when I really looked at her, my ramblings stopped. To anyone else, she might have seemed calm and sure, but not to me. I could see the nervousness in her posture, the fidgeting with her necklace, the pleading look in her eyes that this would go well. That maybe this would be the first of many meetings between us.

I couldn't call it a date. It hurt too much.

I gave her a small smile. "I'm doing better. Things are really busy right now, so I stay occupied. How about you?"

Bella's eyes brightened. "Great. I took a new job about six months ago." She continued to fiddle with the charm of her necklace, moving it back and forth on the chain. "I work for a non-profit now that helps kids who don't have health insurance pay for medical care. It's intense. A lot of heartbreaking stories, but it's so great when things go through for a family. I really enjoy it. It's actually so wonderful. I think you'd really like what we do. We need technical writers to look over documents…" she paused in her ramblings then stumbled over her words some more "…not that you need a job. You're just so talented. I know you've got other things on your plate. And we just started talking again so working together might be…" She trailed off.

"Bella." She looked up at me and stopped speaking. "It's all right. I think your job sounds amazing. I can't believe that none of that came up in our emails."

She shrugged. "We had lots of other stuff to talk about."

I nodded.

"I took a new job, too."

This was it – the segue into the talk about my relapse. My heart started hammering in my chest again.

"Oh wow! I thought you loved writing. What are you doing?" Bella looked genuinely curious and interested as she asked, still playing with her necklace.

"I'm working as an editor at a publishing house near my new apartment." Bella flinched a little at the mention of my new space. "I really enjoy it. It's a great place."

"I'm happy you found someplace nice. I imagine it was pretty hard to make a decision to switch careers like that especially after…" She looked away.

I steeled myself for the words I would say next, knowing that they might force her away again. Although she said she regretted leaving the first time, I didn't know that she wouldn't do it again.

"I need to tell you something, Bella." She froze, her fingers stilling with her charm all the way to the left. She didn't move as I continued. "I, um…this is really hard to tell you." I tugged on my hair. "I should have told you from the beginning, but I –"

Bella cut me off, closing her eyes as she spoke.

"I understand, Edward. I mean, I shouldn't have assumed you'd be single. You're a great guy." It was my turn to freeze. "I really hope that we can still talk. I'd love to be your friend. I just want to have you in my life."

She began running the charm back and forth again with more force. Her smile was tight and her eyes glassy. She looked crushed.

Even though I was scared about her reaction to my news, I couldn't sit there and watch as her hopes crashed down around her.

"I relapsed, Bella." The charm froze to the right this time. "I was sober almost a year, and I fucked up."


	31. Chapter 31

31.

* * *

><p>She didn't say anything, waiting for me to continue. Her face full of worry.<p>

I wasn't sure what more to say, though. All I could think about was that my admission might be a deal breaker for her.

Finally, she dropped her charm and reached across the table for my hand. I let her take it, feeling the warm, familiar tingle that always accompanied her skin on mine.

"What happened?" Bella squeezed my hand gently.

I stared at our intertwined fingers and told her about the imagined pressure of my co-workers, the belief that I could hang out with them, thinking that I was fine to have a drink, and waking up feeling the utter failure that had settled deep in my bones.

"You immediately called your sponsor, Edward. That took guts."

I snorted. "I called him because I was about two seconds away from just calling it all off and going to the liquor store for a bottle of whiskey."

"You still called first. That shows just how far you've come, Edward." She paused. "The Edward I knew wouldn't have thought anything about waking up with a hangover. He would have stumbled to the shower and afterward, grabbed a glass and some more to drink."

I pulled my hand away. "I'm glad you have such fond memories of me." The tension in my voice was obvious.

"Oh, Edward." She shook her head and looked at the table. "There were bad times, but there were so many good times, too."

I clenched my jaw, but the words escaped anyway with far too much venom laced through them. "Yeah, but apparently those times weren't enough to make you stay."


	32. Chapter 32

32.

* * *

><p>I watched her crumble in on herself, and I had to look away. It was one thing to imagine her guilt; it was another to witness her fall apart, thinking that it was all her fault.<p>

"I shouldn't have said that."

Her smile was forced and trembled slightly. "I deserved that."

"No, you didn't, Bella."

I watched the walls go up and her face became a blank mask. "I didn't help you. I knew you had a problem, but I didn't do anything about it. I thought you'd outgrow it. I thought that when you realized how serious things were between us that you'd grow up. I didn't understand how badly things were until I looked at you one day and I couldn't remember a time when your breath didn't smell like alcohol." She wiped her cheeks free of tears and continued. "I wanted to help you, but when I mentioned seeing someone, you brushed me off. Next thing I knew, you didn't show up to the charity benefit I'd reminded you about. I went home and you were drunk off your ass, lying on the couch.

"I wanted to kick you. I wanted to scream at you. I wanted you to be the man I knew you could be. I wanted to be enough for you to change, but I wasn't." Her words cut straight through me and caused me to lose my breath. She sighed, meeting my eyes. "I wasn't enough, Edward. I started packing and you woke up."

The silence stretched on, and then finally, she finished.

"Leaving you was the best and worst decision I've ever made."

My head snapped up. "What?"

"You finally got help. You're doing better. You're sober." She nodded. "So, if that's what it took to get you healthy, then I'm glad I did it." I couldn't respond, but I realized she wasn't done when she released a harsh breath. "On the other hand, I see that I might not ever get you back because of that choice. For the last year, I've battled with myself over this, and even though it hurts, I'll understand if this is closure for you - if you never want to see me again."

I shook my head. "Didn't you hear what I just told you? I relapsed, Bella. I'm not better. I'm not healthy."

"Edward?"

"What?"

"Do you have a problem?"

I looked into her eyes and laid myself bare before her. "I'm an alcoholic."

Her bottom lip was planted firmly between her teeth for a few seconds, and then she said, "And that's how I know you're not who you were when I left. What you just admitted is how I know you're trying."


	33. Chapter 33

33.

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><p>The conversation was way too intense for a public setting. I knew people weren't paying attention to us, but it just seemed like such a personal topic to discuss with strangers mere feet away.<p>

It was startling to realize that while there were strangers around us, Bella and I were strangers to each other, too.

We knew each other intimately, but at the same time, I'd changed and so had she. As I sat across from her, absorbing what she'd said, I knew that if a relationship between us were to continue, she wouldn't be scared anymore. She wouldn't be timid and politely ask if I_ really _needed another drink. This Bella would grab the bottle and pour it down the sink.

Not that I'd have any alcohol near me now.

She let me sit and watch her.

She let me see her optimism for my situation, her worry for what could happen, and her hope that I'd want to let her back into my life.

"Maybe we could do this again next week?" My throat felt raw.

She tried to mask her disappointment but failed. Still, she smiled and said, "Of course. Same time and everything?"

I stood up and nodded. "See you then, Bella."

She gave me a small wave as I started to walk away.

It wasn't how I wanted things to end, but I didn't know what else to do.

She believed in me. I could feel it, but I just didn't know how to accept it. While she had changed since we broke up, she was still the same. I couldn't explain it right. I didn't know how.

The only thing I was certain of was that I was terrified of her.

If I went off the deep end when she left me the first time, I wasn't sure what would happen if we got back together and she decided she couldn't handle all the precautions and limitations that being with me would bring.

She said she wasn't enough for me to change.

I worried that my change wasn't enough to make her stay.


	34. Chapter 34

34.

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><p>Dr. Whitlock listened to me ramble about Bella for at least twenty minutes of our hour-long session before he held up his hand to stop me from continuing.<p>

"What exactly are you afraid of, Edward? You've said that you're scared, and that you're hesitant, but you haven't given a reason."

I rolled my eyes, feeling annoyed and slightly on edge.

"I'm just trying to get you to say things out loud. You have a tendency to internalize your conflict, and while it's good to be introspective, it is helpful to vocalize your fears."

I sighed.

He was right. He was _always_ right.

"I guess I'm afraid that she'll leave again."

He tapped his pencil on his clipboard. "You guess or is that the reason?"

Shrugging my shoulders, I admitted, "It's the reason."

Dr. Whitlock shook his head. "Edward, this isn't something that you need to be nonchalant about. Especially here. You can express your feelings without judgment from me. Pursuing a relationship with Bella will be difficult. You will have to accept that things might not work out. Is this a chance you're willing to take?"

"I don't mean to be rude here, but you're not invested in this decision, Dr. Whitlock. You're playing devil's advocate all the time. Yeah, it might work out, but if it doesn't, I'll probably be worse off than before. I'm not sure how I'd manage my sobriety if she left me again."

For the first time ever, Dr. Whitlock rolled his eyes at me. "Edward." I looked up. "You're right; I'm _not_ invested in your relationship. I'm simply trying to get you to see all angles of this situation. Yes, Bella could walk away. It's a possibility with any relationship, Edward.

"She could stay, though." He waved his hands dramatically. "I know that you tend to lean toward the pessimistic side of things, but things do go well occasionally." He paused again. "Here's a strange thought, have you talked to Bella about your fears?"

I narrowed my eyes at him. "No. We ended our meeting on a slightly awkward note."

"You don't say." His voice was full of sarcasm then he shook his head. "That was out of line, Edward. I sometimes feel I've gotten too comfortable with you, and my professionalism isn't at the forefront of our talks."

"It's all right. You're the only person who doesn't just tell me everything will be fine."

"But it can be. Part of everything being fine, is the belief that it will be." He wrote something down on his yellow legal pad. "You're seeing her again?"

"Yes."

"Ask her what she expects from your renewed friendship. Tell her your expectations. It will help you navigate the course of your relationship if you are honest with each other about what you want. Right now, you're obsessing about something that might not happen because she might not want to pursue an intimate relationship."

The thought of being 'just friends' made my stomach turn.

As I left his office, I remembered Bella thinking I wasn't single and how sad she looked. Deep down, I knew we both wanted the same things. I also knew we were both scared to admit it.


	35. Chapter 35

35.

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><p>"I'm sorry I'm running late!" She fell into the chair opposite me. Her hair was all over the place and she was trying to catch her breath. "I missed the bus."<p>

"Bus?"

Bella straightened up and placed her purse beside her. "Yeah. I gave up the car. The new job is not nearly as lucrative as the old one, and I like my apartment, so when faced with the choice, I chose it instead of the car."

"Huh." I stirred my coffee. "Do you ride it late at night?" I didn't like the thought of her doing that. Especially alone.

She rolled her eyes. "Occasionally. I'm not a party person, so you know it's not something I do every weekend, but sometimes I'll go out with friends and take it home."

"I don't go out anymore."

Her smile was small. "I didn't figure you did." She excused herself to get her drink, and I sat and watched her.

She was so beautiful. It made my heart ache to think that she'd never be mine again.

The whole time she was gone, I talked myself up in my head.

_I can do this. _

_I can tell her I want to see her. Date her._

_I can apologize. Truly apologize to her._

Bella took her seat again. "How was your week?" Just like our first meeting, she initiated conversation. It was as if she hated the thought of an awkward silence. I could understand that. I didn't want them either. I wanted things to be settled, sure.

"I had my weekly session with my therapist."

"Good. I'm glad you have someone to talk to."

"Me too. He's very good about making me see all sides of something."

We sat quietly for a moment before I said her name.

"Yeah?" She looked so perfect, and I wanted her.

"I need to say some things." Her shoulders straightened like she was preparing for a fight. "I'm sorry." Her brows furrowed. "I never said it to your face, but I'm so sorry. I acted horribly to you for years. I did things that I'm not proud of, and I behaved like such an asshole. I never stopped loving you, though." I paused. "Loving you was really the only bright spot in my life." Her eyes welled up, and once again I stopped to think how this conversation should be held someplace private. "I want you to know that I never once cheated on you. I might have gone out and got hammered, but I never touched another woman. I know you worried about it."

She nodded and wiped away a tear.

"I want you to know that for a while, I thought I hated you." She choked back a sob and covered her mouth with her hand. "It took me a while to realize that I didn't. That I never did. I hated myself. I hated that I'd forced your hand like I did. I hated that I made you think you weren't enough for me because _you_ were _everything_ to me, Bella. I just wasn't ready for it yet."

Bella's eyes widened, and she whispered, "Are you now?"


	36. Chapter 36

36.

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><p>I knew she would ask that, but I still wasn't prepared for it. I wanted to pull her into my arms and tell her that I was so ready for it. I wanted nothing more than to call her mine again.<p>

I knew I needed to be completely honest with her, though. We couldn't go into this blind or with any false promises.

"I want to be."

Her shoulders slumped a little.

"There might be some things that you're not ready to deal with, Bella. I have been sober for four months, but it is a daily struggle. Some days I rarely think about having a drink, and other days it's a true temptation."

She scoffed, "I know that, Edward. Do you honestly think that I'd even agree to these get-togethers if I wasn't sure about you?"

"I think that you feel guilty about how we left things the first time, and I don't want you to feel obligated to be with me now that we've reconnected."

"I do feel guilty, Edward. I won't lie about that, but it has nothing to do with what I want now—what I've wanted since I walked out the door." Her hands were clenched into fists. "I want you."

I let her words give me hope and warmth. They were what I'd been wanting for so long; however, I knew everything couldn't be all positive in her mind.

"You can't say that you're going into this free of all worries, Bella. I know that's a lie." My voice was soft. I didn't want her to think I would be angry at her if she said she was scared.

After a few seconds, she said, "I am worried. I'm worried that I won't be the help you need. That I might cause you more problems by just being in your way and taking away your focus." She paused. "I'm scared that you'll decide I'm not worth the effort."

I didn't brush off her fears. No one should have his or her concerns flicked away as nothing. I took a breath and knew I needed to clear the air of my fears.

"I'm afraid you'll leave me again. I don't know how I'll deal with that if it happens."


	37. Chapter 37

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><p>Our second meeting ended with Bella in tears and me trying to apologize.<p>

"No. Don't you dare so you're sorry, Edward!" Her voice was fierce even though she had tears in her eyes. "I understand your concern, I really do. I don't want to end things today on a bad note, but I really think that we should take a break for a bit and meet later, maybe? I just need to deal with some things first."

She was packing up, wiping away falling tears.

After two tense conversations in our old coffee shop, we had finally gained the attention of the other patrons. They watched closely, probably making up stories in their minds about what was happening between us. We looked like a couple who were fighting, breaking up.

If they only knew just how hard we were trying to work to get back together…

"Okay," I whispered. "Do you want to meet for dinner?"

Bella nodded, grabbed a pen from her bag, and scribbled on the napkin closest to her. "Here's my number. Can you call me in a couple of hours?"

I nodded, grasping the flimsy material like a lifeline, and watched her leave the café.


	38. Chapter 38

38.

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><p>Two hours and five minutes later, I was clutching my phone in my hand, willing myself to just press call.<p>

I closed my eyes and tapped the screen.

As it rang, my pulse started racing. I wasn't sure why I was so nervous. After all, she had told me to call her.

"Edward?" Her voice sounded scratchy.

"Yeah. How are you?" I rubbed my fist against my forehead, thinking how stupid that question was.

"Good. Better. I'm sorry I broke down like that. If anyone has a right to fall apart over things, it's you." The tone of her voice was wrong, distant. "You probably think I'm such a bitch for acting this way when you're the one who has gone through so much."

I gripped the phone harder and tried to connect my thoughts. "I don't think you're anything like that. I know what you've gone through, Bella. I know what I did to you." I could hear more tears and wondered if this was really a good idea. Should we try when all we did was hurt each other? "I said that I was scared because I am. It's not that I think you'd jump into this, lead me on, and then drop me."

"I did it before, Edward," she stated calmly.

"No! I wasn't trying to get better. I was forcing you to make a choice even if I didn't think so at the time." My voice was pleading for her to see that I wasn't blaming her anymore.

"I should have stayed!" she screamed. A sob preceded her whispering voice, "I should have stayed."


	39. Chapter 39

39.

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><p>I sat down on my couch and head held in my hands as I listened to her cry.<p>

I didn't try to stop her or calm her down. I heard her reach her breaking point, and I could only wonder if this was how she'd reacted when she tried to call my number, only to find it disconnected, or when her emails were returned to her, undeliverable.

Did she crumble then?

_Of course she did. _

That's when my parents and Emmett and Rose showed up at my door – because she'd reached out to them.

Somewhere along the line, she'd started blaming herself for the things I'd done. The times when I stumbled in or forgot to be someplace I'd promised to be.

I didn't know how to make her see that she wasn't responsible. My addiction had been there before I'd even met her.

When her sobs quieted, I spoke. "Please don't do this to yourself, Bella. I know you feel like it's your fault, but it's not. It took me a long time, but I know that if you hadn't left, I probably wouldn't have changed. I needed it and so did you."

"How can you say that? Look at how things are between us now!"

I couldn't do this over the phone. I needed to see her when we finally put this to rest.

"Can I come over?"

After a beat of silence. "Yes."


	40. Chapter 40

40.

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><p>I stood outside her apartment building and thought about the best way to finish our conversation. I wanted to reassure her and show her that we could do this. We'd have to build our trust for each other back up, but I knew we could do it.<p>

The fact remained - I loved Bella, and I would do anything for her to see that she was what I wanted.

Soon I found myself in front of her door, fist poised to knock. One last cleansing breath and I let my knuckles rap against the door.

Bella pulled the door open, motioning for me to enter.

"Thanks for letting me come over. I really think we need to talk about this in person, you know?"

She nodded and sat down on the couch.

I looked around her apartment; it was the same as before she'd moved in with me. She loved the view, and I think she always thought she'd talk me into moving into her place eventually. Even the pictures remained in the same places. Though there weren't a lot of us together, I was still in a few of them. She caught me staring and said, "I didn't want to get rid of them."

"You didn't try and move on?" I asked, curious if she'd gone out on dates. She didn't have to bring them here. They would have never had to see the pictures that stayed up in my absence.

"No. Kate set me up a few times, but they were always awkward dinners that ended early because I didn't even try to be personable." She shrugged. "She was worried about me and didn't understand what I was feeling."

"I'm glad you have her. I know you and Rose don't talk anymore."

"We still talk." She looked at me curiously. "We're not as close, but I still talk to her a few times a month." I felt my heart drop. _Why hadn't she told me? _"In fact, she was trying to set me up on Valentine's Day, but I downright refused, even when she came over that day, trying to get to leave with her."

I started laughing. I couldn't contain it.

"It looks like she tried to set us up without our knowledge." Bella tilted her head to the side, a confused expression on her face. "She said she had a friend for me to go out with on Valentine's Day, too. I left my apartment because I was certain she was going to force me into a date that day."

Bella smiled and said, "Looks like it was fate."

Silence followed for a few seconds before Bella took my hand. She stroked her thumb across my palm several times. "I left because I thought the shock of it would force you to change. I wanted to have all of you, and I knew the only way it was possible was if you were better. I didn't even consider the whole intervention approach until I was already gone.

"I knew you'd probably be too angry to see me, especially since Emmett told me you had only gotten worse." She sighed. "I didn't know how to go back to you without making things worse than they already were."

"You're right, you know? I would have freaked out if you had come back. I was in such a bad place." She tensed up. "It wasn't your fault, though. I had this problem long before you came into my life."

I gently turned her to face me and said the words I hoped would give her peace. "Bella, you are the reason I got help. I wanted you back so badly, and I knew it would only work if I could be the man you deserved. Someone who was dependable.

"After I got sober, I found out that I really like being this guy. I wasn't in a haze. I could think better, and work wasn't nearly as tiring. I stayed sober because I didn't like the way I was." I paused. "The thing is, I can't ask you to put your life on hold for me, Bella. I know your plans. I know that you want kids soon, and I can't promise that to you right now. I already relapsed once, and I'm afraid until I learn to deal with stress in the appropriate ways, I might have another one. I wouldn't want to bring children into a situation like that. I wouldn't want to let you or them down."

She looked back down, but kept moving her thumb over my hand as she spoke. "I won't lie and say I never want a family, so that you'll start over with me, but Edward, I don't want those things with anyone but you. I know you need time, and I know this might be something that doesn't happen for years, if at all, but I don't want it with anyone but you.

"I've been without you, and it's not something I want to go through again. I want you, and I want to help you recover."

She glanced up again, ours eyes meeting, and I saw the absolute sincerity in her eyes about what she had told me.

With little thought at all, I leaned down, and for the first time in nearly two years, my lips met hers.


	41. Chapter 41

41.

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><p>I would like to say that it was easy.<p>

That Bella and I immediately picked up where we left off.

That we moved in together, and I never had another relapse.

If there was one thing I had learned from my recovery, it was that nothing happens as we plan. There were fights. There was yelling and occasionally storming out, only to walk back in minutes later, apologizing to each other. There was counseling.

Two years after that kiss, Bella and I finally got married.

Three months after our wedding, Bella came home to find me holding a half empty bottle of whiskey and a very professional letter informing me that my job was being cut due to budget constraints. I had two weeks.

That was a tough time.

I was depressed and angry.

After wallowing for a week, Bella stood in front of me with her arms crossed, her face devoid of emotion.

"I called Dr. Whitlock. He agreed to stop by this afternoon and do a session here since you're refusing to go out and see him. Also, your stash you think you hid from me while I was at work found its way down the sink.

"I'm not stupid, Edward. You're trying to force me away, and it will not work. I told you when we got back together that I wanted you. You need to think about what you want. I know it's not this. Now get off your ass and shower, you smell like a bar."

Dr. Whitlock did stop by and talked with me for a couple of hours. At the end of which I decided that I probably needed to double up my therapy sessions, and if things didn't improve, i.e. I kept drinking, I would need to go back to rehab.

I didn't go back. It took a lot of willpower, but with Bella's help, I stopped drinking again.

I currently stand at eight years sober.

I feel confident in myself and my support system.

I don't think about drinking often and usually when I do, I unlock my phone and scroll through the pictures that I have on it.

My family.

A smiling wife. A round belly. A laughing toddler.

Me with my arm draped over the back of Bella's chair at my parents' anniversary party. An empty glass in front of me that I never asked for, or even thought to ask the waiter to fill. I changed because I wanted Bella back. I realized later that I wanted to be sober for me, too. Now, I know that no matter how stressed I get, I won't go back to the man I used to be. The glass is empty for the right reason now.

I love who I am.

I am Edward. My wife's best friend and lover.

I am Daddy. I scare away monsters and play hide-and-seek.

I am dependable and strong.

I'm the man I never imagined I could be.

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><p>Thank you so much for reading! I really hope you like how this story turned out. I know I haven't been good at replying to reviews, but I've read and appreciated all of them. I'm going to answer every one this chapter, so if you have any lingering questions, please ask!<p> 


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